Screaming!

Everyone seems to be leaning on me for emotional support and I can't handle that right now. I'm going through things myself that I'm still trying to get over. I'm not super woman...I don't have an "S" on my chest. I can't always save you when you need a hero, no matter how hard I try. I'm just a regular person like you and sometimes I need a hero too. But sometimes I wonder how do you save someone from themselves? I want to cry, want to scream, want to shout, whatever it takes for me to see that I'm still alive inside...still capable of emotions, because I've been doing my best to keep this blank mask on. Anywho I'm currently working on a new project...not sure what I want it to be yet..but it's called "The Road to Insanity". Should be pretty interesting when it's finished. I'll keep you updated on its progress. I might even share bits and pieces from it on here. I just need an outlet for all my emotions...maybe then I'll actuallly be able to let a lot of things go and be able to move on and not let my past rule me. We will see....It's a growing process and all I can do is take it one step at a time.

Loosing my mind.

So I know I'm suppose to be super happy right now but I'm not feeling the "happy" thing at the moment. Seriously, I'm like blinking back tears. I dont understand why I give so much of myself to others and in return they just hurt me. I mean I'm breaking on the inside right now. Is it really so hard for someone to just give a damn about me and my feelings for once. I swear I'm loosing it..and I dont know what to do. Life can be so unkind sometimes and I hate to say it but slowly im loosing my mind...

Life Line

So. Clearly I've been away for awhile. Things have been rather hectic lately. I guess I've finally come to terms with everything that has been going on and I'm still happy. Stil single and hating every moment of it lol. I've learned alot about the things that I want and what I deserve. I'm growing...finally starting to become someone I can actually face in the mirroir. Still sometimes I wish I could be held again..*sigh* Thats always a comfort. Right now I'm dating myself..It's a very lovely experience. I think I'm in love! hehe. Actually I'm still afraid of love...I tried so hard to not fall...because I knew that I would be hurt. But hey maybe thats a risk I should have taken..or maybe not. I'll never know. Anyways I wrote this thinking about someone..It's in two parts...enjoy!

My heart's beating fast

I need a moment

need a moment to breathe

need a moment for my brain to process what's happening to me

Slow deep breaths

Inhale...

...Exhale

I feel so lost

How the hell did I get here

When did I become so empty...so hollow

My love for you is suffocating me

and it makes it hard for me to swallow

This pain is unbearable

and it will continue on tomorrow

I try to keep stepping in your direction but my mind wont let my heart follow

Your coldness cuts through to my heart and bleeds out my hopes

And everytime I say your name i always seem to choke

Baby my heart is dying

and the darkness is closing in

I'm fighting for love

But you don't seem to want it to win

And I feel weak..

Weak because I can't let you go

I know deep inside you there's the old you I use to know

So I continue to hang on even if you let go.



Part two

Clinging to this rope, hanging on for dear life
going back and forth on whether i should let go or should I continue to fight
My mind is saying fall but my heart is screaming "M...!"
And if truth be told Id hang here all night
This rope is slowly breaking and my hand is starting to slip
Will you leave me broken or will you catch my grip
My heart feels so heavy and its more than i can bare
My tears are steady falling and I wonder if you even care
I"m hanging on this life line confused about me and you
and everyday without you makes it harder to pull through
Dammit can't you see how Im in love with you!
Inside im slowly dying now that our souls went from one to two
My love for you is like water..it will always continue to flow
And I always made it a point to make my love for you known
Now there's no more me and you and I'm not sure where to go
My heart pulls me in your direction but rejection is all you show
Are you truly happy without me? Please let me know
If thats the case then i'll swear i'll let go
And i'll fall willingly even though it'll break my heart
Id rather that you let me fall than for us to hang on and fall apart
And i'll save you from breaking and tear my own heart apart
and hopefully you've known that from the very start
You tell me that your leaving and now you'll have to choose
Do you want to remain happy or remain happy with me and you?
Will you leave me hanging or pull me to your side?
Will I continue dying or will you save my life?
Will fresh tears keep on forming or will they become wiped?
Will i be your love story or just another chapter?
Damn how i miss you and hearing your sweet laughter
So do I continue to hold on or should i just fall faster
Guess I'll keep hanging untill i get that answer.