Confession

I think Im starting to go back to how I was...Everyday it seems like I sink deeper and deeper into this dark place within myself. I've been walking around faking like everything is okay for the past few weeks now. Giving people a porcelain smile...not one person noticed the emptiness in my eyes...the dark circles from lack of sleep. I'm trapped in my own person hell...holding myself back from redemption. Friday night I took a walk in the rain...no jacket...no umbrella. Nothing to cover me up. My tears flowed freely as they became one with the rain that was pouring down on me. I was crossing the street and wasn't paying attention and this car almost hit me. Luckily they were able to stop in time and I made it across the street. The sad part was that I stood there almost bracing myself to be hit. Later i couldn't help but wonder why couldn't that car have just hit me? How low have I sunk to just want to not be here anymore..to want to fade away from exisitence. My heartbreaks a little more every hour and bleeds everyday. And I don't even care anymore. I don't give a fuck if I'm ever happy again...If I ever feel okay...If my pain ever stops...none of that matters to me anymore. Im drowning myself in my own pain...makes me die a little more a little harder with each passing day. I truly hate myself right now...I feel like a waste of space..maybe I should remove myself.

I Lost My Fear of Falling..

"Hold me now I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking..maybe six feet aint so far down"

I wish I could find the perfect words to describe how I'm feeling..but I can't. Sometimes I feel so damn alone..like no one is on my side. Like the whole world is against me. Why the fuck can't I ever be happy for once? I've lost sight of which direction my life is going in..and its so sad because I'm struggling in my faith as well. Nothing feels right anymore...I'm not sure what to do about it and its tearing me up inside. I cried for an hour straight and the one person I wanted...needed didnt answer my txts and I was..still am devasted. I feel so completely and utterly broken..sad part is..i dont even know if I want to be fixed anymore..maybe I deserve all this pain.