Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Confession # 2
I need a change. Maybe not clothes but I need a new look. A new start. I need something to just renew my mindset. I think I need to take a few days to myself to do some soul searching. I think I'm going to take the next few days to just basically focus on school and pray for direction and wisdom. Also for my heart ache. I had a very interesting conversation with a very good friend of mine this morning and she told me you cant control how you feel no matter how hard you try. Maybe this is why it hurts so much because I've been trying to control these feelings for him..its like denying apart of myself. Anyways, I kind of just want to distance myself emotionally. I'm at the point where maybe I want to have a wall up with him. I'm afraid to let him in anymore than he already is. I think that I really just need to concentrate on Me right now and strengthening my spirituality.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
I Stay In Love
"All I know is baby I try and try so hard to keep our love alive"
Sometimes life can be so cruel, when the one you love your not sure anymore just how they feel about you. I mean we're not on bad terms or anything. But things just don't feel right anymore. No matter how much we laugh and joke with each other..its not the same. I feel so insecure sometimes but I try to brush it off and stay positive..like oh well things could be a lot worse...like we could not be talking at all. But other times I'm like dammit why did I have to fall so deeply. It's almost suffocating at times because I have all these strong emotions inside of me and I have to struggle to hold them back because things aren't the same anymore and I'm starting to think they never will be. Some nights I lay in my bed and try to talk myself out of falling any further for him..other nights just the thought of him brings a smile to my face. Then there are the nights where I cry to myself because its so hard to love someone and not even know how they feel about you anymore. I'm too afraid to even ask now after everything we've been through. I feel like my mind is constantly at war with itself over this situation. I don't know what to do or even If I should do anything about it because I know how he is and last thing I want to do is create even more awkwardness between us. Geez I feel so stupid even writing this write now. I should be stronger than this. But eh...he's my soft spot. Sometimes it literally takes all of my strength now to scream, " I FUCKING LOVE YOU WHY CAN'T YOU SEE HOW DEEP IT IS. YOU JUST DONT UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I WANT TO BE YOURS." Ugh Love Crap sucks sometimes. Things were so much more simple when boys had cooties and love was just a word I repeated.
Sometimes life can be so cruel, when the one you love your not sure anymore just how they feel about you. I mean we're not on bad terms or anything. But things just don't feel right anymore. No matter how much we laugh and joke with each other..its not the same. I feel so insecure sometimes but I try to brush it off and stay positive..like oh well things could be a lot worse...like we could not be talking at all. But other times I'm like dammit why did I have to fall so deeply. It's almost suffocating at times because I have all these strong emotions inside of me and I have to struggle to hold them back because things aren't the same anymore and I'm starting to think they never will be. Some nights I lay in my bed and try to talk myself out of falling any further for him..other nights just the thought of him brings a smile to my face. Then there are the nights where I cry to myself because its so hard to love someone and not even know how they feel about you anymore. I'm too afraid to even ask now after everything we've been through. I feel like my mind is constantly at war with itself over this situation. I don't know what to do or even If I should do anything about it because I know how he is and last thing I want to do is create even more awkwardness between us. Geez I feel so stupid even writing this write now. I should be stronger than this. But eh...he's my soft spot. Sometimes it literally takes all of my strength now to scream, " I FUCKING LOVE YOU WHY CAN'T YOU SEE HOW DEEP IT IS. YOU JUST DONT UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I WANT TO BE YOURS." Ugh Love Crap sucks sometimes. Things were so much more simple when boys had cooties and love was just a word I repeated.
