Unsent Letter

I started writing a letter about a week ago, but I just couldnt bring myself to send it. There's no point anymore and nothing I say will bring those feelings I use to feel back. I think i've reached a point of acceptance. Like I don't like how things are but im tired of fighting and ive given up. I've let myself become almost numb to the situation. I have no expectations that it will get better and therefore I can't be hurt anymore and I refuse to give myself any type of false hope. Things arent and will never be the same anymore. I don't even dwell on memories anymore because its like looking through the front window of a store but knowing you will never be able to afford that item. I think reality just sunk in. Its awkward now and will probably always be awkward. Thats life.

Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?

"But it's time to face the truth...I will never be with you..."

Letting go of the person you love is so hard. It's like ripping your own heart out of chest and dying slowly. I don't believe in fairy tales anymore...I don't believe love conquers all. I feel pretty empty.. like a part of me is missing. But I have to get over this. Sadly, my heart is on lock now, and I have a thick wall up. I dont want anyone to get to it...I don't want to give anyone my heart anymore for fear they will make more cracks in it.

Truth

the truth hurts...

Confession # 2

I need a change. Maybe not clothes but I need a new look. A new start. I need something to just renew my mindset. I think I need to take a few days to myself to do some soul searching. I think I'm going to take the next few days to just basically focus on school and pray for direction and wisdom. Also for my heart ache. I had a very interesting conversation with a very good friend of mine this morning and she told me you cant control how you feel no matter how hard you try. Maybe this is why it hurts so much because I've been trying to control these feelings for him..its like denying apart of myself. Anyways, I kind of just want to distance myself emotionally. I'm at the point where maybe I want to have a wall up with him. I'm afraid to let him in anymore than he already is. I think that I really just need to concentrate on Me right now and strengthening my spirituality.

I Stay In Love

"All I know is baby I try and try so hard to keep our love alive"

Sometimes life can be so cruel, when the one you love your not sure anymore just how they feel about you. I mean we're not on bad terms or anything. But things just don't feel right anymore. No matter how much we laugh and joke with each other..its not the same. I feel so insecure sometimes but I try to brush it off and stay positive..like oh well things could be a lot worse...like we could not be talking at all. But other times I'm like dammit why did I have to fall so deeply. It's almost suffocating at times because I have all these strong emotions inside of me and I have to struggle to hold them back because things aren't the same anymore and I'm starting to think they never will be. Some nights I lay in my bed and try to talk myself out of falling any further for him..other nights just the thought of him brings a smile to my face. Then there are the nights where I cry to myself because its so hard to love someone and not even know how they feel about you anymore. I'm too afraid to even ask now after everything we've been through. I feel like my mind is constantly at war with itself over this situation. I don't know what to do or even If I should do anything about it because I know how he is and last thing I want to do is create even more awkwardness between us. Geez I feel so stupid even writing this write now. I should be stronger than this. But eh...he's my soft spot. Sometimes it literally takes all of my strength now to scream, " I FUCKING LOVE YOU WHY CAN'T YOU SEE HOW DEEP IT IS. YOU JUST DONT UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I WANT TO BE YOURS." Ugh Love Crap sucks sometimes. Things were so much more simple when boys had cooties and love was just a word I repeated.

Confession

I think Im starting to go back to how I was...Everyday it seems like I sink deeper and deeper into this dark place within myself. I've been walking around faking like everything is okay for the past few weeks now. Giving people a porcelain smile...not one person noticed the emptiness in my eyes...the dark circles from lack of sleep. I'm trapped in my own person hell...holding myself back from redemption. Friday night I took a walk in the rain...no jacket...no umbrella. Nothing to cover me up. My tears flowed freely as they became one with the rain that was pouring down on me. I was crossing the street and wasn't paying attention and this car almost hit me. Luckily they were able to stop in time and I made it across the street. The sad part was that I stood there almost bracing myself to be hit. Later i couldn't help but wonder why couldn't that car have just hit me? How low have I sunk to just want to not be here anymore..to want to fade away from exisitence. My heartbreaks a little more every hour and bleeds everyday. And I don't even care anymore. I don't give a fuck if I'm ever happy again...If I ever feel okay...If my pain ever stops...none of that matters to me anymore. Im drowning myself in my own pain...makes me die a little more a little harder with each passing day. I truly hate myself right now...I feel like a waste of space..maybe I should remove myself.

I Lost My Fear of Falling..

"Hold me now I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking..maybe six feet aint so far down"

I wish I could find the perfect words to describe how I'm feeling..but I can't. Sometimes I feel so damn alone..like no one is on my side. Like the whole world is against me. Why the fuck can't I ever be happy for once? I've lost sight of which direction my life is going in..and its so sad because I'm struggling in my faith as well. Nothing feels right anymore...I'm not sure what to do about it and its tearing me up inside. I cried for an hour straight and the one person I wanted...needed didnt answer my txts and I was..still am devasted. I feel so completely and utterly broken..sad part is..i dont even know if I want to be fixed anymore..maybe I deserve all this pain.