Dazed and Depressed

Its been awhile since I've updated this blog..its just been so crazy lately! Sadly this is not a happy post. I really fucked up. Crazy how shit crashes and burns so quickly in front of your face. Now Its like im sitting here trying to turn these ashes of what once was back into a love that used to burn so brightly. I dont know how I'm going to fix this situation..hearts are like glass..when you break them..you can always pick up the pieces and on the outside it might seem fixed but it will never quite be the same again. Its so hard right now..I cant even face myself in the mirror because I can't the reflection of pain and regret staring back at me. My whole world is thrown off..my happiness..my life line...is just slipping through my fingers like sand. And I know that its my mistake...I can't take it back..but I'd give everything I have just to make things better...to have another chance. Its so sad..I feel so pitiful..so empty. My head is so fucked up right now...so very fucked up. What I say? What can I do? This space is killing me..I know that its needed but im like why the fuck did i suggest that. Like itz crazy i must have picked up my phone at least 5 times last night and started a txt and then at least 20 times since I've woken up this morning/afternoon. Only to cancel the message and be like "oh...that's right...the whole space thing". I did it because every time we talked it was like i could feel the pain behind his voice, behind his laughter, and then pain started being laced with like this irritability. I knew he was still struggling with this..I cant blame him...I would be too. The hurt is so bad he doesn't even know what he wants of this. And I'm like dang....am i so much of a BITCH that you don't even want to think about that. Its like im stuck in this crazy limbo stage wondering if He will let in just enough to try and make things better or will he put this wall up so thick that I wont even be able to put a scratch in it. I honestly don't even know if he will ever let me back in. He's so guarded...i mean what if he's happier on his own? He certainly has the potential to make himself happy...I can't really be mad if he goes down that route...but I would be so fucking crushed. Of course if that's what he really wanted I would go along with it but inside i would just be dying. I mean I feel as though my heart is dying right now. I don't even know if I could pretend for his sake to be okay with that...I'm not that damn strong. Then again..I wouldn't blame him if he didn't care if i was happy or not. Just sitting here thinking if I could try and get what I had back but i can't..and I keep thinking if "we" don't come out on top of this together...does this mean that true love doesn't over obstacles..I can't make false promiseslike you will never get hurt again...In love there is going to be some sort of hurt..some pain...some trials some tribulations..if its not tested how will you ever be able to withstand time together unless you are both strong and you've been through worse storms before. Love is all about taking risks..you both become vunerable as individuals to be made stronger together as one..All can do is promise that I wont purposely hurt you. That if I do I will own up to my mistakes and do whatever it takes put a smile back on your face. I'm by no means perfect..I do very stupid things....Inside ill fall apart if he ever loves someone instead me...real shit...i need my lifeline..its not just a heart connection anymore...its too deeply routed into my soul..and right now i feel like im dying..and only my heart can revive me.