Confession

I think Im starting to go back to how I was...Everyday it seems like I sink deeper and deeper into this dark place within myself. I've been walking around faking like everything is okay for the past few weeks now. Giving people a porcelain smile...not one person noticed the emptiness in my eyes...the dark circles from lack of sleep. I'm trapped in my own person hell...holding myself back from redemption. Friday night I took a walk in the rain...no jacket...no umbrella. Nothing to cover me up. My tears flowed freely as they became one with the rain that was pouring down on me. I was crossing the street and wasn't paying attention and this car almost hit me. Luckily they were able to stop in time and I made it across the street. The sad part was that I stood there almost bracing myself to be hit. Later i couldn't help but wonder why couldn't that car have just hit me? How low have I sunk to just want to not be here anymore..to want to fade away from exisitence. My heartbreaks a little more every hour and bleeds everyday. And I don't even care anymore. I don't give a fuck if I'm ever happy again...If I ever feel okay...If my pain ever stops...none of that matters to me anymore. Im drowning myself in my own pain...makes me die a little more a little harder with each passing day. I truly hate myself right now...I feel like a waste of space..maybe I should remove myself.

I Lost My Fear of Falling..

"Hold me now I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking..maybe six feet aint so far down"

I wish I could find the perfect words to describe how I'm feeling..but I can't. Sometimes I feel so damn alone..like no one is on my side. Like the whole world is against me. Why the fuck can't I ever be happy for once? I've lost sight of which direction my life is going in..and its so sad because I'm struggling in my faith as well. Nothing feels right anymore...I'm not sure what to do about it and its tearing me up inside. I cried for an hour straight and the one person I wanted...needed didnt answer my txts and I was..still am devasted. I feel so completely and utterly broken..sad part is..i dont even know if I want to be fixed anymore..maybe I deserve all this pain.

Poem...

A reeling mind

And flashy eyes

Confusion seeps through

The very pores of my body




Questions without answers,

Answers without questions,

My heart going two ways,

My head has nowhere to turn




The feeling of loosing

Everything I hold dear,

Haunts my every dreams,

Eventually becoming my reality




The weight of the world

Becomes too much for my

Small, insecure shoulders,

All I can do is sit and weep




Walls of sanity crumble,

Rolling and falling,

Nothing to stop it,

Tearing down everything




With each step becoming

Useless baby steps,

The hours drag on by,

Worsening each day




No turning to friends,

Keeping my troubles inside

No one or nothing seems

To understand the real me




I continue on with a fake smile,

Plastered on my face,

Pretending everything is ok,

And that I’m going to be alright




The darkness slowly envelops me,

Into its icy and painful grasp,

Easing into my thoughts soundlessly,

Tormenting my aching mind




So I’ll sit and watch as the lucidity

Flows freely out of me,

And I’ll wait for the hysteria

To dominate my soul,

To take all supremacy of my self control…

Dazed and Depressed

Its been awhile since I've updated this blog..its just been so crazy lately! Sadly this is not a happy post. I really fucked up. Crazy how shit crashes and burns so quickly in front of your face. Now Its like im sitting here trying to turn these ashes of what once was back into a love that used to burn so brightly. I dont know how I'm going to fix this situation..hearts are like glass..when you break them..you can always pick up the pieces and on the outside it might seem fixed but it will never quite be the same again. Its so hard right now..I cant even face myself in the mirror because I can't the reflection of pain and regret staring back at me. My whole world is thrown off..my happiness..my life line...is just slipping through my fingers like sand. And I know that its my mistake...I can't take it back..but I'd give everything I have just to make things better...to have another chance. Its so sad..I feel so pitiful..so empty. My head is so fucked up right now...so very fucked up. What I say? What can I do? This space is killing me..I know that its needed but im like why the fuck did i suggest that. Like itz crazy i must have picked up my phone at least 5 times last night and started a txt and then at least 20 times since I've woken up this morning/afternoon. Only to cancel the message and be like "oh...that's right...the whole space thing". I did it because every time we talked it was like i could feel the pain behind his voice, behind his laughter, and then pain started being laced with like this irritability. I knew he was still struggling with this..I cant blame him...I would be too. The hurt is so bad he doesn't even know what he wants of this. And I'm like dang....am i so much of a BITCH that you don't even want to think about that. Its like im stuck in this crazy limbo stage wondering if He will let in just enough to try and make things better or will he put this wall up so thick that I wont even be able to put a scratch in it. I honestly don't even know if he will ever let me back in. He's so guarded...i mean what if he's happier on his own? He certainly has the potential to make himself happy...I can't really be mad if he goes down that route...but I would be so fucking crushed. Of course if that's what he really wanted I would go along with it but inside i would just be dying. I mean I feel as though my heart is dying right now. I don't even know if I could pretend for his sake to be okay with that...I'm not that damn strong. Then again..I wouldn't blame him if he didn't care if i was happy or not. Just sitting here thinking if I could try and get what I had back but i can't..and I keep thinking if "we" don't come out on top of this together...does this mean that true love doesn't over obstacles..I can't make false promiseslike you will never get hurt again...In love there is going to be some sort of hurt..some pain...some trials some tribulations..if its not tested how will you ever be able to withstand time together unless you are both strong and you've been through worse storms before. Love is all about taking risks..you both become vunerable as individuals to be made stronger together as one..All can do is promise that I wont purposely hurt you. That if I do I will own up to my mistakes and do whatever it takes put a smile back on your face. I'm by no means perfect..I do very stupid things....Inside ill fall apart if he ever loves someone instead me...real shit...i need my lifeline..its not just a heart connection anymore...its too deeply routed into my soul..and right now i feel like im dying..and only my heart can revive me.

Confession

Single life has opened my eyes to alot of things:

1. The way I deserve to be treated
2. Learning to love through first loving myself
3. People who really care about you will always be around even if they can't physically be there with you
4. I put up with a bunch of shit I shouldnt have let slide in my relationships
5. Alot of people in my life need to be cut out
6. Trust is everything,
   
7. Friendships...real ones...will keep you sane
8. Sometimes in love you have to let go to see if its real

To be cont...

Which hurts more

"Getting your heart broken by the person you thought would always be there for you no matter what?"

or

"Falling in love with someone who will probably never love you back?"

Unthinkable

"I was wondering maybe could I make you my baby, if we do the
unthinkable would it make us seem crazy, or would it be so beautiful, either
way im sayin if you ask me im ready."

I decided to just come partially come clean on my feelings. I really put myself out there. It's just that I care about this person so much and I understand where he's coming from and I think thats what kills me the most is how it could be but it just can't right now. It's so fustrating. Moving on? Hm..I tried. You never fully move on from someone you truly care about. The crazy part of this is, I never expected to feel this way, didnt ask for this, wasnt crushing, but here I'am..guess you really can't help who you fall for. I fought this hard and I still am. I'm trying so hard to choke back these feelings because im afraid. I really want to give this a chance again. need to get my head together. So much love to offer...if only it was accepted...sigh...that's life for you. I want him to be happy..as crazy as it sounds..even if it means breaking my own heart and letting him be happy with someone else...i would do it. That's real love right there. For now, I think i'll keep these feelings to myself. I'm not fully ready to love. I'm scared.

Hands Tied

"What am I fighting...afraid of loosing, Itz like I'm not in control, I'm watching myself fall down, thinking you wont be around, You know you got my heart unlocked and even If i want to run, I can't go.."

So I've been working on a couple of new pieces lately. One of them is the struggle of trying not to be so in love with a person because you know its over but yet you still chase after them because you don't want to give up on them. I think its going to pretty good. I'm really excited about it =). I put "The Road on Insanity" on hold for awhile. I'm thinking it's time to pick it up again. I've got the inspiration I've been looking for to finally to be able to write it. Trust me, this wont be pretty. It will have dark themes as it is about me loosing it and my journey down a road I never thought I'd be taking. I'm alittle afraid to write it because it will be different from anything that I've ever written before. Also I usually write based on things I see or I've saw people go through. This piece will be personal. I'll be giving people a glimspe into my mind, my heart and my soul. You will feel my pain, my struggle, see the tears I've cried. Just warning you. But anywho! I'm alot happier. Amazing how much life has to offer when you quit worrying so much, have great friends who love and support you and trust in God. I have no regrets about anything I've gone through this year. I lost everything only to gain something much more important. I'm being Transformed people...and slowly breaking the binds the devil had on my life. Watch me grow =)

Screaming!

Everyone seems to be leaning on me for emotional support and I can't handle that right now. I'm going through things myself that I'm still trying to get over. I'm not super woman...I don't have an "S" on my chest. I can't always save you when you need a hero, no matter how hard I try. I'm just a regular person like you and sometimes I need a hero too. But sometimes I wonder how do you save someone from themselves? I want to cry, want to scream, want to shout, whatever it takes for me to see that I'm still alive inside...still capable of emotions, because I've been doing my best to keep this blank mask on. Anywho I'm currently working on a new project...not sure what I want it to be yet..but it's called "The Road to Insanity". Should be pretty interesting when it's finished. I'll keep you updated on its progress. I might even share bits and pieces from it on here. I just need an outlet for all my emotions...maybe then I'll actuallly be able to let a lot of things go and be able to move on and not let my past rule me. We will see....It's a growing process and all I can do is take it one step at a time.

Loosing my mind.

So I know I'm suppose to be super happy right now but I'm not feeling the "happy" thing at the moment. Seriously, I'm like blinking back tears. I dont understand why I give so much of myself to others and in return they just hurt me. I mean I'm breaking on the inside right now. Is it really so hard for someone to just give a damn about me and my feelings for once. I swear I'm loosing it..and I dont know what to do. Life can be so unkind sometimes and I hate to say it but slowly im loosing my mind...

Life Line

So. Clearly I've been away for awhile. Things have been rather hectic lately. I guess I've finally come to terms with everything that has been going on and I'm still happy. Stil single and hating every moment of it lol. I've learned alot about the things that I want and what I deserve. I'm growing...finally starting to become someone I can actually face in the mirroir. Still sometimes I wish I could be held again..*sigh* Thats always a comfort. Right now I'm dating myself..It's a very lovely experience. I think I'm in love! hehe. Actually I'm still afraid of love...I tried so hard to not fall...because I knew that I would be hurt. But hey maybe thats a risk I should have taken..or maybe not. I'll never know. Anyways I wrote this thinking about someone..It's in two parts...enjoy!

My heart's beating fast

I need a moment

need a moment to breathe

need a moment for my brain to process what's happening to me

Slow deep breaths

Inhale...

...Exhale

I feel so lost

How the hell did I get here

When did I become so empty...so hollow

My love for you is suffocating me

and it makes it hard for me to swallow

This pain is unbearable

and it will continue on tomorrow

I try to keep stepping in your direction but my mind wont let my heart follow

Your coldness cuts through to my heart and bleeds out my hopes

And everytime I say your name i always seem to choke

Baby my heart is dying

and the darkness is closing in

I'm fighting for love

But you don't seem to want it to win

And I feel weak..

Weak because I can't let you go

I know deep inside you there's the old you I use to know

So I continue to hang on even if you let go.



Part two

Clinging to this rope, hanging on for dear life
going back and forth on whether i should let go or should I continue to fight
My mind is saying fall but my heart is screaming "M...!"
And if truth be told Id hang here all night
This rope is slowly breaking and my hand is starting to slip
Will you leave me broken or will you catch my grip
My heart feels so heavy and its more than i can bare
My tears are steady falling and I wonder if you even care
I"m hanging on this life line confused about me and you
and everyday without you makes it harder to pull through
Dammit can't you see how Im in love with you!
Inside im slowly dying now that our souls went from one to two
My love for you is like water..it will always continue to flow
And I always made it a point to make my love for you known
Now there's no more me and you and I'm not sure where to go
My heart pulls me in your direction but rejection is all you show
Are you truly happy without me? Please let me know
If thats the case then i'll swear i'll let go
And i'll fall willingly even though it'll break my heart
Id rather that you let me fall than for us to hang on and fall apart
And i'll save you from breaking and tear my own heart apart
and hopefully you've known that from the very start
You tell me that your leaving and now you'll have to choose
Do you want to remain happy or remain happy with me and you?
Will you leave me hanging or pull me to your side?
Will I continue dying or will you save my life?
Will fresh tears keep on forming or will they become wiped?
Will i be your love story or just another chapter?
Damn how i miss you and hearing your sweet laughter
So do I continue to hold on or should i just fall faster
Guess I'll keep hanging untill i get that answer.

Learning to Love

♥ I'm learning to love myself. I realized that over the past couple of weeks I've been so focused on how everything just seems to be falling apart in my life. I should have been focused on how to move forward from all the bad situations. I'm working on making myself happy. I'm also working on becoming a better woman...a stronger woman. I need to love myself better before I can expect any man to love me. I'm so thankful that God has put so many wonderful people in my life who have just done nothing but uplift me in my time of need. I woke up this morning so full of joy so full of hope. Still confused about my feelings..but idk itz probably not best to act on them.Guess i'm still in denial...I need to grow up :-) Wait til they see my smile.